On turning 40 – an alternate view

You can find the original list here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-wruble/40-effed-up-things-about-_b_3386565.html

Thank you Amy Wruble for giving me something to write about.

1. Other than Teen Mom, I have no clue what’s on MTV. Not only do I not know what Teen Mom is, I have no desire to know what’s on MTV. Thank goodness.
2. When people say “middle-aged,” they might mean me. And I think, damn don’t I look good!
3. I can’t wear sequins or I’ll look like a cougar. Rooooarrrr!!
4. I’m more likely to forget to have sex than to forget to floss. NEVER HAPPENS!
5. If I eat chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and wash it down with coffee and Kahlua. YES to eating what you want cause you finally realized this is the only life you have.
6. Even if I finally get a full night’s sleep, I still look like I was up all night. But not up all night doing something cool. I don’t really need a full night’s sleep anymore so I can do so much more with my day. So reading recipes at 1am isn’t cool? Who said?
7. At the doctor’s office, I bypass Cosmopolitan and reach for Redbook. I’ll even read Family Circle. There are some great recipes in there. Why is this a bad thing? Cosmopolitan has awful advice for women.
8. I’m probably never going to be a Solid Gold Dancer. I am a Solid Gold Dancer, in my living room and whenever I grace these youngsters with my presence at a club.
9. Going out without makeup is seeming more and more like an aggressive act. Nothing to say about this one. I’ve always been a natural beauty.
10. The “me” in my head is like the foxy little sister of the “me” in the mirror. Huh? What’s happening here. The me in my head and the me in the mirror are both foxy.
11. Any girl can look cute like Rachel on Friends in her 20s. Only Jen Aniston looks cute like Rachel on Friends in her 40s. I have no desire to look like Jennifer Aniston. Give me Jada Pinkett Smith or Kerry Washington any day. And me, just me. Turning 40 makes me so appreciative of me.
12. If I strolled across a college campus, people would assume teacher, not student. (Upside: instant Ph.D!) Umm, because I’m wiser than they are and they can tell in the way that I walk and carry myself.
13. I’m old enough to drink, vote, rent a car and be elected to the highest office in the land. All that’s left on my age bucket list is admission to the AARP. Thanks, I’ll wait. What’s the problem here? I’m old enough to do everything I want and when AARP comes I get it all at a discount.
14. Most days, I choose comfort over style. I’m a traitor to my stilettos. My comfort is it’s own style. I make these sweats and leggings looking damn good!
15. All the tanning I did in college is showing up now as brown blotches. Get a Sharpie and you could draw a cow on my chest. I’m black.
16. The Psychedelic Furs, Duran Duran and The Cure are now considered oldies. And what a shame that is. But I still love Jhene Aiko and she’s new, right?
17. Everything I wore in high school has been appropriated ironically by hipsters. What fun it is to shake my head and know that I did it first.
18. Only a fortysomething is old enough to remember the TV showThirtysomething. Blah.
19. Oooh, my back. Oooh, my back, is sexy.
20. Other than the Kardashians, I don’t recognize anyone in the tabloids. Who are these people and why are they famous? Who cares? I don’t have time for that nonsense.
21. Ages 31-39 are a total blur. I’m scared I’ll blink and be 200. WHAT!! My 30s were Amazeballs and I’m about to kick the shit out of these 40s.
22. All of sudden my tight mini-skirts make me look like I’m trying too hard. Hey sluts, incoming at Goodwill! Tight mini-skirts never looked good on anybody, sorry but it’s the truth. I’ve also learned that short hemlines, deep V-necks and embracing body hugging clothes does not make me slutty. Nor does loving physical pleasure.
23. Uhhh, my back. Uhhh, my back, it’s so strong.
24. The Real Housewives and I are, like, the same age. Where’s my butler? Yeah, where is my butler?
25. It’s occurring to me that I might not ever visit every single beach on the planet, and I’m actually okay with that, which feels weird. I’m certainly trying to visit every place I want to go. I’ve made it a priority!
26. When I flirt with the cable guy, I don’t get extra channels for free anymore. C’mon, aren’t we all watching Netflix or just streaming online?
27. I still think 21-year-old guys are hot. And they’re like, “Mom?” I think 21 year old guys are hot and they think the same about me. Boo ya!
28. Why didn’t I take naked pictures of myself when I was 30? I’m starting now cause I’m hotter than ever.
29. I fantasize about taping up the sides of my face. Try it with your fingers — it takes 10 years off instantly. Umm, no. My face is beyond fine.
30. Cripes, my back. My back, run your fingers down it, makes my toes tingle.
31. Touching my toes is not a guarantee. Yes it is, for the right reasons 😉
32. Forget 50 Shades of Grey – my nightstand is full of wrinkle cream and Bengay. The apothecary is open! My nightstand is full of…well, I don’t know you like that, but trust that wrinkle cream and Bengay are not in there.
33. I even have one of those days-of-the-week vitamin boxes. C’mon, really?
34. If I buy a turtle it might outlive me. If I buy a turtle I’ve lost my mind. I don’t have the space for a turtle tank.
35. The bad habits I still have are probably here to stay. I have no bad habits. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it.
36. I say things like, “What’s the name of that actor, you know, he was in that thing?” Because he was in that thing.
37. I get a hangover from looking at liquor. I no longer drink to the point of excess. I know exactly what my limit is.
38. The next milestone birthday is 50. The next milestone birthday is 41, 42, 43, 44…
39. Did I mention my reading glasses? Did I mention my stylish reading glasses? Stripes, polka dots and different colors.
40. One word: “Ma’am.” Damn right you better say ma’am. Respect your elders little one.